Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. -Romans 12:2
If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it. -Matthew 10:39
I've been lying to myself for weeks now. I've been telling myself I'm okay, that I'm ready to move on, that I'd be ready if God handed us another baby right now. And I've been wrong. Shaun, God love him!, tried to point this out to me, but I didn't want to hear it. Instead, I buried my hurt and pain over the loss of Gwen and tried to barrel onward. No more! The only way through the pain is through it. I can't go over it, I can't go under it. I can't bury it and pretend it didn't happen. I can only deal with it and hand it to God to take care of.
A couple of days ago, I followed the nudge to put Gwen's things away in our attic. I cried my eyes and my heart out as I struggled to take down her crib and overfilled boxes with adorable baby girl clothes that we may or may not ever use now. I couldn't understand why God would ask me to do something so hard when I was so not ready. I didn't understand.
This morning, I've been working through my devotions on Ruth again for Bible Study tonight and man! They are convicting! We're talking about loss and mourning and releasing the past to God so you can move forward into the future HE holds for you.
I've been hanging onto Gwen for too long. I can't have her here on Earth. She belongs to God and I need to let go of her. I love the way that Kelly Minter, author of the Ruth study I'm working on, puts it: "Take off the old, put on the new; take the risk of being available."
Days later, I now realize what I did when I took that crib down. I'm telling God, now in front of anyone reading this, that I am available. I am ready to move forward! I am releasing all of the dreams I carry for my own life and am completely willing to follow through on HIS! HIS dreams for my life will be better than I could ever imagine!
Before you go on with your day today, please take a moment to listen to this Barlow Girl song, Surrender. It is so powerful and is exactly where my heavy heart is this morning:
Thank you Kristi.... you know I understand how hard it must have been to put those things away. On my end, most are still out.
ReplyDeleteYes! No other way but through... one day at a time and sometimes one thing at a time. I especially like this line, "releasing the past to God so you can move forward into the future HE holds for you." That is a powerful statement! We also don't need to know, today, what that future will look like. It may or may not hold another baby girl - - as mine also has many unanswered questions.... as long as we keep listening for the nudges!
Love you!