Monday, February 6, 2012

Where is God in all this Nonsense?

God! you walked off and left us, kicked our defenses to bits. And stalked off angry. Come back. Oh please, come back! -Psalm 60:1 (MSG)

There have been so many bad times in my life when this verse is the exact attitude I jumped to. It's always someone else's fault when things go poorly. It could never be mine. So why not blame God? It's not as though he's ever verbally argued with me. And besides, he controls the whole universe. If it's not HIS fault, then who else can I blame?

In July, it will be three years since I had my miscarriage. I was 9 weeks along when we found out that Christian (that's what I named him) was gone. I think the worst part about it was that Shaun and I didn't even want him to start with. We were trying NOT to get pregnant. So it had taken a couple of weeks to get used to the idea that we were going from a five person family to a six person family. At that point, I still felt very convinced that the number of children we had was up to us.

When I lost Christian (and I say "I" here because I still sometimes blame myself, though I know in my head I did nothing wrong!), my first thoughts were: "Why God?" "Why would you get us pregnant when we didn't even want to be only to take him away from us?" "What did I do wrong?" "Didn't we love him enough for you?" "Did we say something or do something to make you change your mind about trusting us with another child?"

But that's not the way God works. He doesn't tempt you to do the wrong thing. He doesn't tease you. He doesn't punish you in the worst possible way. That miscarriage was an awful, awful thing. It's taken a long time to get past it to the point that I can talk about it without feeling horrible and without wanting to run away.

Here's what I learned in that dark time:

God was with me through it all. He was sending people to be a comfort to me. He was sending women who'd been down this road themselves to walk me through. He helped Shaun to show me compassion and to be patient with me as I cried. He drew Shaun and I closer than we were before (which I though was impossible considering how close Shaun and I already were). He helped me get through it in the quickest way possible. He gave me a doctor that reminded me over and over again that this wasn't my fault.

I also learned that no matter what I think is true, I am not in control. God is. I don't know what's best for my life, HE does. You know, after that miscarriage, I totally appreciated my pregnancy with Ian. Every movement, every sick day, was a blessing.

Finally, I learned that my beautiful children are a miracle. Each one of them. The fact that they are here when so much can go wrong in a pregnancy is a true testament to God. Only HE could have brought my sweet babies through such a scary, unknown time in their lives. I tell Ian all the time that Jesus did a wonderful job on him. He is absolutely precious.

Here's my challenge for you and me today: Instead of dwelling on the negative of the trial you're walking through right now, look around and see if you can find the ways God is helping you through it. Is there someone special who's been there all along? Are there a bunch of coincidences that you now see add up to God working?

Remember, God adores you! Let him show you that he adores you today!!

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