For everything there is a season,a time for every activity under heaven. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. -Ecclesiastes 3:1,4
This past Friday was Gwen's due date. Now the problem with that particular date is that it is not only her due date, but also the due date of the baby I lost a few years ago AND my nine-year-old son's birthday as well! So for his sake, I chose to ignore the giant elephant in the room and carry on with our day, focusing instead on something I thought would be easily attainable. A bracelet.
In fact, I obsessed over that bracelet to the point that when I wasn't able to find it at the store on Saturday afternoon (after continuing to ignore the elephant who insisted on following me around to dinner Friday night and then to my son's birthday party on Saturday morning), I broke down in tears. Now several other things happened to fuel the fire, but in the end I needed to acknowledge my feelings about that date.
February 24th will forever be a bittersweet day for me. On the one hand, it is a very special day to celebrate the miracle that is my second son. And he is absolutely fantastic! But on the other hand, it is also a day that I will always remember as the due date for 2 of my other children who never made it into the world.
I've been told that I should just move on already, that these deaths are in the past and that I need to focus on the present and the miracles that I have right here. And that sounds great. It truly does. But I can't just ignore my God-given feelings on this! The fact is that no matter what, I am sad for the babies that I will never meet this side of heaven. Yes, they are perfect in every way now and enjoying our Father's arms in heaven, but I still wish I could have met them, held them, loved on them!
There are many days where I feel okay and know that I will make it through this with God's help and love. And then there are all the others. There are also many days when I think it would be awesome if God would give us another baby and then there are the ones when I just don't want to open myself up to the possibility of this pain again.
I don't have any wise words (beyond the verse above) or pretty, gift-wrapped way to tie up this post. This is just what is on my heart today and I pray that it is helpful in some way to someone out there. Have a blessed day today!