"Appoint
leaders in every town according to my instructions. As you select
them, ask, 'Is this man well-thought-of? Is he committed to his wife?
Are his children believers? Do they respect him and stay out of
trouble?' It’s important that a church leader, responsible for the
affairs in God’s house, be looked up to—not pushy, not
short-tempered, not a drunk, not a bully, not money-hungry. He must
welcome people, be helpful, wise, fair, reverent, have a good grip on
himself, and have a good grip on the Message, knowing how to use the
truth to either spur people on in knowledge or stop them in their
tracks if they oppose it." (Titus 1:6-9)
Today, I'd
like to apply these qualities of a good leader in the church to good
leadership in the home. How can we use this list to be better
husbands and wives? To be a better team? To be better team leaders
over our children? Well, let's look at Paul's questions in order to
answer our own.
1. Is
this man well-thought-of? Do you care about your reputation?
Because Paul is saying here that you should. A good reputation is
important. What others think of you is important. Whether we like it
or not, our reputation precedes us as we go through life. What others
think of us helps to determine in some way how they will receive what
we have to say to them. If you have a reputation in the here and now
for being a jerk, for example, how well will your message of loving
others be received?
Think about
Paul's reputation before he became the Paul that we all know and
love. He was a pharisee intent on destroying new Christians. He
wanted them dead and gone. He stood by and watched as their beloved
Stephen was stoned to death (Acts 7:54-60). How difficult was it,
then, for him to spread Jesus' message with that reputation after he
changed? It took him a good while to get past it and be embraced for
the newly transformed man that he was. In fact, if you think about
it, it took a good partner in the faith being on his side and lifting
him up as a believer for the difference to happen (Barnabas).
As a spouse,
what we say and think of our significant other matters too. If all
you ever tell your best friend about your husband is the bad stuff,
how can you expect her to like him when your families hang out
together? And a related but definitely important question: Are you
believing the best of your spouse? When he's late getting home, do
you imagine that he's out drinking with his friends or being flirty
with a girl in his office? Or do you know that he longs to be home
just as much as you wish he were, that if it were his choice, he
would choose to be home with you? When you hear something about him
from others, do you automatically believe it or do you give him the
benefit of the doubt?
2. Is he
committed to his wife? It's
hard to be an active and effective team when you aren't sure that all
the players are totally committed to the game you're playing or on
the team of which you are a part. Total commitment is vital to the
success of a good marriage. Show your spouse your commitment every
day. Send texts saying how much you love one another. Do chores
around the house that make life easier for the other person. Hold
hands in public. Wear your wedding rings always. Consult each other
on big events before committing to them. Listen to one another when
you're talking. Make time for just each other. Be best friends.
Actively love each other daily. Pray together and for one another all
the time.
And
wives, honestly, put your husband above your kids. He is the
God-ordained head of your house. Prioritize him above them. Be on his
team, not theirs, if it comes down to it. Present a united front to
the kids. Don't let them see any cracks anywhere, because they'll
pick at those in order to get their own way. If you have young kids,
you probably won't be seeing this stuff yet. Trust me, it's coming.
Practice being a solid united front now so that when you have
teenagers in the house, it's a lot easier to handle. Is
it easy to do? Absolutely not, but it's worth the effort.
*Before
anyone says it, I am not talking about unhealthy relationships here.
Abuse in any form isn't acceptable period. If there are substance
abuse issues present in the house, that requires a whole new set of
rules that you need to get from a professional as well. My thoughts
on this are my own and apply only to couples with Christ as the
center of their relationship where both sides are actively loving
Jesus and one another, who seek to make their good relationship great
or their struggling relationship better.*
3. Are
his children believers? As the
team leaders in your family, it's the parents'
responsibility to share Jesus with the family. While
it is the husband that God
is ultimately holding
responsible for the teaching of His Word,
it's the wife who is supposed to be backing him up and supporting him
as he does it. Sometimes
that means some "atta boys" and "well dones,"
while other times it might mean taking that baton for awhile as he is
tired out from his leg of the race at the moment. Either way, work
together. It
may be on the
parents to share Jesus and
what he has done, but
it's on each individual to accept it.
There are lots of things you can do to make sure that Jesus is a
daily part of your life. Read your Bible on your own and as a family.
Let them see you studying God's word and praying for guidance. Pray
with your kids in good times and bad ones. Go to church. Don't make
excuses or prioritize other things above it. Just go. Talk about what
Jesus would do. Your husband can demonstrate God's love in your home
by loving you the way Christ loves the church. Demonstrate true
respect by respecting your husband the way that God calls us to. And
make sure that your children are witnessing the mutual submission
between you! Ephesians 5 makes it clear that isn't all about wives
submitting to husbands, but about mutual submission to one another.
4. Do
they [the children] respect him and stay out of trouble?
This one is tough in my opinion. In a perfect world, we would tell
our kids to do or not do something and they'd do it, right? Without
arguments or complaints. But we don't live in a perfect world. So how
do we apply that to leading in the home?
One thing that I think inspires respect from one's children is
establishing rules and then following through on consequences for
breaking those rules each and every time. Kids are pushers. They push
the boundaries. They push the limits. They push you. They push each
other. They push against every single barrier that they come across
because they need to know where "yes" ends and "no"
begins. It makes them feel safer. They know what to expect in a world
where the parents say no sometimes.
You want your kids to respect you? Tell them no when you need to and
be willing to die on the important hills. Don't die on every stupid
hill that you come across though. That's just begging for trouble.
Pick the big ones and then go for it. They need to know that you-
together and united- are making and keeping the rules. Is a regular
bedtime a big hill for you? Then be willing to die on it. Enforce it.
Send them back a hundred times if necessary. Take no excuses. Maybe
for you, limited screentime is the hill worth dying on. Then do it.
Set timers. Take screens away. Maybe it's bigger than that. Maybe
it's the friends they've picked or the curfew they miss too often or
the locked bedroom door (behind which you wonder what is happening).
Do what you need to do (I am clearly not advocating abuse here), but
do it every single time. You can't let it go half of the time and
then be surprised when the kids don't listen. You have effectively
taught them that you only mean what you say 50% of the time. So half
of the time, they can just ignore you. What kid wouldn't take that
bet? I know mine do. I'm working on this myself around here!
And I think I need to add something. Sometimes, no matter how many
rules you put into place, no matter how consistent you are, no matter
how many open door policies you try out, your kids don't listen. They
rebel. They do things their own way. They make choices that go
against everything you taught them. That doesn't mean you're a
failure or that your kid is evil. It means that you're both human.
Keep praying. Get some close family members and friends together to
pray for your child. Do NOT give up. Keep showing them that you love
them and that you care about them. They are worth it. Jesus did it
for us on the cross and continues to chase after us every single day.
We can at least attempt to love our kids like that.
From there, Paul goes on to list out positive and negative
characteristics to watch out for. Here's the list again:
"It’s
important that a church leader, responsible for the affairs in God’s
house, be looked up to—not pushy, not short-tempered, not a drunk,
not a bully, not money-hungry. He must welcome people, be helpful,
wise, fair, reverent, have a good grip on himself, and have a good
grip on the Message, knowing how to use the truth to either spur
people on in knowledge or stop them in their tracks if they oppose
it." (Titus 1:7-9)
Essentially Paul is saying that if you want to be a good and
effective leader, you need to cut out all of the negatives and
embrace all of those positives. There is no room for drunken bullies
on a good family team. You can't be money-hungry and expect to lead
your family well. It says in Matthew that a man can't serve two
masters (in reference to money vs God). You have to pick one and if
you want a great family, then God is the one you need to choose here.
Take a look at the list of positive traits that Paul gave in the
verses above. Which ones are you already great at? Which ones is your
spouse good at? Which ones do you need to work on? Which ones would
your spouse say you need to work on? Once you have your list, take a
minute and talk to God about what you can do to start changing some
of the things you're doing in your family today. Every single person
in the world can work on making themselves better for Jesus. I pray
that we can all come together as family teams, starting today, and be
better leaders.
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